Your Husband-My lover
I have decided to include this blog today and open dialogue about this topic because one of my clients was put in the hospital today for a mental breakdown after attempting suicide. She is the Mother of 4 children, the daughter of upstanding parents and the wife of a man who cheats. She no longer could face the reality of having to raise her children on her own as he chose to leave her and move in with his mistress. She was doing pretty well until he started pressuring her to return and she just could not take the stress and indecision anymore and decided to take her own life.
I begin to do a mental tally in my head of all my clients that are in similar situations and those who are involved in clandestine "affairs" of the heart and it made me really stop and think that an epidemic is in progress. I think that we have a society where the old rules just don't fit anymore and a case in point is the Governor in South Carolina who was carrying on his affair with a women in another country. I listened to his wife describe her pain on national television and decided to see if we could get some dialogue going about how others feel about this.
The world of infidelity is filled with complexities. People put labels on everything in our society. A familiar label is "Once a cheater, always a cheater". Cheating varies from situation to situation but is that label always true? Not necessarily but if you can believe statistics it is a proven fact that if someone chooses to be unfaithful to their spouse once that they will be a repeat offender. If someone cheats in a prior relationship the odds say overwhelmingly that they will cheat again. They (the cheaters) are usually not in control of their emotions- To know why a person who cheated once is more likely to cheat again is to get into the mind of a cheater. Usually people who cheat tend to get carried away by the situation. No matter how much they say they are not going to cheat again it is statistically proven they are ninety percent more likely to repeat their actions. The men who cheat have great excuses and sometimes they even believe their own rhetoric. They will go to great lengths to create magic with their mistresses when ignoring their wives, children and home. The wife becomes boring, the thrill or magic is gone, the mundane tasks of taking care of obligations, kids and bills make them feel old and they are looking for the thrill of a new romance in most cases. The cheating wife is not much different. She is bored, tired of her husbands lack of attention, seeks new thrills outside the marriage etc.
If you conducted a study on people who cheat once you would see the overwhelming evidence that they are likely to cheat again.
The labels that are attached to the infamous "other women" include a few words like home wrecker, slut, tramp, and those are just the tip of the iceberg in descriptive phrases that cover women who are engaged in affairs with married men. These are all words that we hear whenever the subject of the other woman comes up. You know who we mean. That's the woman who ends up in a relationship with a man who is committed elsewhere. Yet those terms do not do justice to the complexity of the situation nor are they a fair depiction of the women.
The facts are the "other women" is just a woman, plain and simple and she is usually never a villain. The difference between you and her is that she happens to be in a relationship with a committed partner. Most likely however, he is not committed to her. It is easy to vilify the women and let the cheating spouse off the hook. I have many, many clients who have found themselves in situations that involved cheating and most of the women end up very sorry that they ever considered staying in this type of relationship. Sometimes the situation is the type where both parties are entering into the situation with their eyes wide open for numerous reasons but they are still being brainwashed in many ways.
What is her crime? She happened to fall in love. That is something people do every day all around the world. Generally she probably did not know at the beginning of the relationship that her lover was married or in some circumstances did not think her first encounter would lead to her falling in love. Once he knew he had her in the palm of his hand and in love with him then he broke the news to her that he was married. He wooed her, pursued her and made her feel like she was the most special women in the world. Most of the time married men will lavish gifts on their mistresses that they never bother to give their wives.
By the time she discovered he was married she was so in love with him she could not just walk away. Things are never black and white, especially not in this situation. While people think the other woman has no morals and no values, they have no idea what goes on in her head. And they have absolutely no idea why she is involved with a committed partner. There are many, varied reasons and I have clients who you would never dream of doing anything like cheat that are involved totally and just cannot find the will to exit a really bad situation.
While many men lie about their situation and make their wives out to be demons to lure the other woman into a relationship, much of the time they are in happy, healthy relationships. They're just bored - and they want the fun of having their cake and eating it too. It's not so much about the sex as about the thrill. There are cases however where married men have legitimate reasons for cheating such as a wife who is ill, or who is unwilling to participate in any sexual activity, etc. They are a different breed of cheaters but they are cheaters none the less no matter how they can rationalize their actions.
Married men will say just about anything to keep the thrill going, even promising to leave their wives. If they don't promise this, it's because they have kids who are keeping them at home. All of these are plausible excuses which the besotted other woman is happy to hear. But unfortunately, these excuses are just a tissue of lies. Only 10% of married men actually leave their wives and family for the other woman.
Sometimes the other woman is also a thrill seeker, but in the long run many other women realize that the relationship has no future and manage to end it. This often happens at great cost to their reputations and careers. And the committed man? He can go back home to his wife.
The 'other women" often has a view of the man’s spouse as the "shrew" or a "lazy slob who hates sex" or sometimes all of the above. The man will paint a picture of being ignored, abused, and taken for granted to name a few.
I am including a letter from the "other women" that really defines well how she has been courted and lied to.
Hi..You don't know me and perhaps you never will but if you did know I existed you would also know I am your husband’s lover and have been for quite awhile now.
You don't need to know how long I have been his lover because it won't do you any good to know.
You forgot who Phil is I believe because you are so involved with the kids, the family, your job, the school soccer team etc. Your husband has just become your handyman at the house who fixes things, brings in the money and lifts the kids into the car seats.
You see him as a fixture and you no longer see him as a man. You see him obsessed with work, staying late at the office, forever on his computer at home for instance. You don't know that his late evenings at work are spent with me, his computer sessions are chats, mail or virtual sex with me, when he is trapped at home and we cannot be together.
You see him out a lot with his friend, escaping the confines of the home you keep so tidy. You think you are "giving him space" but you don't see the cover they provide. He heads straight for me the minute he leaves your door.
He is a charming, great guy. You think he is boring but the truth is he says he is just bored with you. I see him as fun, charming, great company to be with and a wonderful caring lover.
He tells me you hate sex after you had the kids and very rarely tolerate him touching you in anyway. You always have some health issue and sex is virtually non-existent in your house. We have sex two sometimes three times a week and I cannot wait for him to take me somewhere we can be alone. He is a good conversationalist, helps me understand the work place, discusses his work with me and I delight in his company.
He never fails to tell me how wonderful it is to spend time with me and how he wished things could be different and he was free to court me the old fashioned way with an engagement ring and a trip down the aisle.
One day you may find out about me but don't hate me. You will probably experience a large range of emotions, like regret, anger, disappointment, betrayal and you will have a lot of questions. I ask you before you find out about me why did you care so little for him? What has happened that caused you not to care if he was showing signs of unhappiness? Was he not worth the effort in your eyes? Perhaps before you begin to vilify me you might ask yourself some of those pertinent questions.
I will see you in court when you are crying and begging him not to divorce you.
Although the above letter may seem so unfair and cruel it does show how brainwashed the mistress or other women can be. Men very rarely leave their wives for the "other women" as I have stated before and if they do don't be surprised if they cheat again for statistically that is a high probability. Be careful about believing the story that is told from someone who cheats for they are often not very honorable or very truthful when all is out in the open.
Blessings of Enlightenment to you all this week.
Rosie
Tags: Counseling Coaching Depression
