Guilt presupposes the presence of choice and the power to exercise it. Survivor guilt may sometimes be an unconscious attempt to counteract or undo helplessness (Danieli, 1985; Niederland, 1964). The idea that one somehow could have prevented what happened may be more desirable than the frightening notion that events were completely random and senseless (Danieli in Goode, 2001).

Survivor’s guilt…so often we walk around with it, yet we do not even realize it.  Recognizing this “guilt” can lead to shedding it.

I grew up in a very dysfunctional family.  My father tortured each of us siblings, each in a different way.  It is amazing to see how little incidents are reminders of this deep pain.  When it comes to understanding, assessing, and intervening with survivors it is important to recognize that each person suffers a unique style and pattern of stress response.  Experiences of vivid, intrusive images and painful emotions often interfere with whatever the survivor may be thinking or doing in the moment. Trauma, therefore, takes the person away from the present moment, robbing victim of the now. These symptoms take “center stage” in one’s life, especially when a flashback occurs. A flashback is a reliving symptom, a strong recollection forcing the individual to experience the horrific effects of the trauma as though it were recurring before your very eyes.

My flashback

Recently, I gathered with my siblings.  I was cooking the lunch meal and enjoying standing there lost in my own thoughts.  In my own way, this was my comfort zone-my escape from it all.  Coffee brewed next to me.  I smelled the coffee dripping and was looking forward to this cup of coffee.  My brother Dan sat at a nearby dining room table, lost in his own thoughts as he watched his little ones playing.  I was amazed to see my little brother now with his own babies.  My little brother had grown up, where had time gone?  This very scene brought me back to days when I played the mother to him.  Before he could even walk, he would crawl each night to my bedroom.  He would beg to be held and loved.  In the dark of the night, I would go make him a bottle and watch him until his little eyes closed nestled in his big sisters arms.  Nights were very difficult for me.  I would sit for hours with my own arms around myself rocking back and forth, afraid to fall asleep…afraid to experience yet another dreaded day with no end in sight.  My focus would shift to the little baby asleep, so trusting so dependent on me.  I would promise to myself that HE would not hurt like I did, I would be his hero, preparing myself once more and finding the strength from within to take on the brunt of the pain and abuse so he would not have to.  What I did not realize is the pain and guilt I would carry for not being able to fulfill this promise.

Dan looked over as the coffee finished dripping.  I turned to Dan and said, “would you like a coffee, may I make it for you?”.  Immediately he looked away with pain in his eyes.  I was overcome with my own very real waves of pain.  The trigger?-serving coffee.  I cannot go there..too painful too painful.  Dan’s pain filled eyes forced me out of my own flashback.  I was overcome with guilt and this overwhelmed me.  The notion that I had not protected him, that I had not saved him, and even that I had not taken more of the brunt of the abuse.  His eyes told me I had failed him.  As I sat with waves of pain trying to take me away, I fought back.  More for Dan then for myself I had to do something.  I called to him as I poured two cups and said “I will NOT serve this coffee to you, come here and make your own as I make mine”.  Slowly Dan walked next to me, and willingly not by force, stood next to me in silence drinking his coffee and I mine.  A simple event yet meaningful to us.  We had changed things.  We opened the door to finding healing. 

What a cup of coffee meant to us-

My father was always the center of home.  Everything always revolved around him.  His needs, his desires, his wants.  His abuse of us was bad enough, but his constant tortures in between to ensure we were under his thumb were worse at times.  It was like we could not get away from him, from it.  He always said I made the best coffee.  If he only knew the times I spit in it or added a pinch of salt.  He would order any one of us who he deemed “rebellious” or not “submissive” enough to make him a cup of coffee.  This would happen several times during the day.  This was about more than a cup of coffee.  He would make the person serving him his cup of coffee sit with him.  Minutes felt like hours during those times.  I grew to hate serving coffee.  Was I really best at making coffee?  Why did I always offer quickly to make that cup of coffee so my siblings did not have to?

Flashbacks can feel like hours, even if they occur for a second.  We can let them overtake us or we can take the next step like Dan and I did.  Change it.  The realization of this coffee event did not hit me until days passed.  It dawned on me days later what had occurred.  None of it would have mattered if I did not go back and point it out to my little brother.  I called him.  I first apologized for not taking care of him, for not protecting him, for allowing him to experience things no child should have had to go through.  Through my tears I smiled and said “we changed it Dan!”. What a crucial moment it was for us.  We changed it.

Although I did not realize it, I carried the pain of survivor’s guilt.  When I left the home to go to college, I left my siblings there to be tormented.  Imagine living with guilt for more than 30 years when it was not my fault and there was nothing I could have done to change the outcome. Guilt, also like shame, can bring lots of suffering and make it difficult to overcome the negative effects of such experiences. But it can definitely be overcome.  Guilt is about things we've done. It involves feeling regret, and usually feeling critical or judgemental toward yourself, for having done something wrong or bad – something that conflicts with your values and with your view of being a good person.  None of us are perfect. We've all done things that conflict with our values. We've all let down or harmed others, including people we respect and love. 

I realize that instead of expressing rage outwardly, I turned it upon myself. Guilt is the embodiment of anger directed toward the self.  However, survivor guilt also has the potential to compel an individual to remain mired in his past, to the relative exclusion of his present or future. Guilt is the penance one pays for the gift of survival.  We changed it with a cup of coffee. 

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