How Important is Communication?
I am reminded everyday how important communication between people really is. If you cannot communicate your needs then they will never be fulfilled. A great many of my clients are complaining that they feel isolated from their partners, that nothing they say matters in their relationship and that their children do not even hear them when they speak.
All too often as counselors we hear clients tell us that "he/she does not hear me" or "he/she will just not listen" or many variations of the same thing.
Lack of communication is a biggie when it comes to marital discord. Most problems in a relationship start with poor communication.
All of us need to take the time to talk and most important to really listen to our partners in life and our business partners as well. Good communication skills start from within.
Some pointers that help facilitate good conversation are:
1. Taking the time to really talk
Actually sitting down and talking is sometimes one of the biggest challenges a couple faces. After all, if you take the time to talk, really talk, to each other then you may have to address some of the pain you are experiencing and some of the challenges you are facing.
Ask and inform you partner about what your needs are: Your partner can’t read your mind, so don’t force them to try. Avoid sending hints or beating around the bush with "mind games"--they may seem cute and fun, but your partner might not always think so.
2. Don't play into the "avoidance trap"
Sometimes couples avoid talking to each other because the discussion can be a laundry list of all that is wrong or all that didn't go well. It is difficult to listen to each other when the talk becomes an exchange of depressing stories.
Talking time is sometimes last on the priority list. Maybe the dog needed to go for a walk. Maybe the kids need help with their homework or you need to wash clothes. All of those things can take priority over talking to your spouse.
Ask each other what it would take to make talking time a high priority. Be honest with each other about the barriers you may be putting up to keep it from happening.
3. Set up an agreement what the primary issue that needs to be discussed and agree to discuss one good thing and one difficult thing only.
Just by finding one good thing in your day to discuss first will open the door to being able to discuss the most difficult thing on your list. You may have to search for the one good thing but usually you can find it and share and laugh about it together.
4. Make “talking time” a commitment and not a chore.
When you can commit to talking to each other, and then make the effort to have a regular talking time. Some couples pick a length of time for the talk - 20 minutes a day or half an hour. Put it on your calendar; make an appointment with each other, and make it happen.
Make time during the day to talk to your partner: 30 minutes a day, preferably some time during the evening after you have both had time to wind down, find out what each other did during their day, share thoughts, experiences, etc. Make this a Habit!
5. Teach yourself to be an "active listener"
This is one of the most important aspects of communication. Sometimes the balance gets lost when one person seems to have the most important issue. They do all the talking and you end up having the look of the "deer caught in the headlights" stare on your face. Make sure there is equal time given to all. Balance out the time you talk and listen. Ask your partner for feedback and most important ask them if you need to be quiet and let them have their say.
Being cognizant of the fact that sometimes our emotions carry us away on a talking tangent. We want to blurt it all out in case we forget an important part. When that happens we must take a breath and realize that our partner may need time to absorb and respond to the tirade you have been spouting!
5. Take Turns
The first task in active listening is making sure that each one of you takes a turn to listen. As I stated before sometimes the balance gets lost and one person in the relationship is doing most of the talking. Ask your partner if you talk too much or too little.
While it might be awkward at first, take turns of equal time to talk/listen to each other. Since we are in patterns and habits with each other, we may not be aware of how to make the time equal. Sometimes at the beginning, it helps if you use a kitchen timer - he talks for 5 minutes while she listens, and then she talks and he listens for 5 minutes.
Avoid critical and absolute words: Critical words are words which show judgment.--"Why did you…?" or "You shouldn‘t have done it that way." While absolute words form roadblocks to communication, preventing improvement-- "You will never…" or "You always…"
6. What does "Active Listening" really mean?
The word "active" is the key to listening well. Listening can be conveyed nonverbally by leaning toward the person who is speaking, nodding your head as the other talks, or making eye contact with the other person as he/she speaks.
Listening can also be conveyed by the words you say to your partner at the end of his/her speaking time. Say back to your partner in your own words what you think you heard him/her say.
Sometimes it helps to repeat what you heard, word for word.
For example "If I heard you correctly did you tell me I am forgetting to take out the garbage?"
Don't confuse "active listening" with problem solving. It is the first step but "active listening" is just getting clarity about what the other person says and conveying understanding to them.
7. The big "I" Statements
An "I" statement is one that begins with "I" and is a statement of what I observe, feel, or think. When I speak for myself, I am taking responsibility for my thoughts and reactions. This can be very powerful and does not blame or require anything from the other person.
When you interchange "feel" for "I" it is a subtle way of placing blame on your partner. For example, "I feel you ignore me when I need to tell you something about the kids". Instead of saying "I think you ignore me etc. Both statements begin with an "I" but there are very distinct differences.
If you use "I" to speak for yourself, then I am only talking about and for myself. You can avoid putting words into your partner's mouth and you can avoid assumptions. You can keep yourself from telling your partner what he/she thinks. After all, you can't know what your partner thinks unless he/she has told me.
Use short, clear sentences as your "I" statement. If you think of it as a very simple statement, you give your partner something uncomplicated to which to respond. The more complicated the statement, the higher the chance for misinterpretation and confusion.
The beauty of the "I" statement is its simplicity. Just like you learned in elementary school English, an "I" statement simply needs a subject, a verb and an object.
"I feel upset."
"I would like a hug."
"I want to talk about our next step."
If you work on these steps to better couples' communication, you will grow closer and be more supportive with each other.
Whether you’re the Chief Executive of a corporation or the Chief Cook and Bottle Washer at home, communication is vital.
Talking is the lifeblood of sound relationships. Communication needs to flow from the top down so that everyone knows what, when, where, why and how. If there is no valve allowing freedom of expression from the bottom up, then somebody somewhere is going to feel isolated and frustrated.
Whether its management not listening to their employees or parents not listening to their children, the result is much the same - when people have no voice, they lose their freedom, they’re input is minimal, their ideas fall on deaf ears, there is no team spirit at work and there is no unification of the family unit.
If you are running a company and you never give your employees an opportunity to air their views, you are overlooking the most profitable asset on your balance sheet - your people. They will look after you if you look after them. Moreover, they will tell their family and friends how good you are to work for.
If you are running a family, give your children airtime. They will love and respect you for asking their opinion.
Ask questions to prove that you are genuinely interested in what they have to say. By summarizing what they are telling you, you are showing your partner that you are an attentive listener who is making the effort to ensure they are being understood.
Remember and reinforce the concept of teamwork: Realize that in a healthy, loving relationship no one "wins" an argument. Serious commitment means meeting your partner halfway. Attempt to resolve the issue as a team by finding a way to fix the situation through compromising and understanding.
Exhibit to each other that you both understand where the other person is coming from: Validate your partner’s feelings by having empathy, attempting to understand, and clarifying their thoughts.
When you follow some basic communication standards you will open doors that have been closed before. You will become someone that everyone wants to talk to!
Blessings this Sunday to all who are in need of comfort, to all who need someone to listen, and most of all to everyone that feels they are alone this day. We are never alone in actuality for spirit is with us, within us and surrounds us every day so do not fail to ask for comfort and it will be given.
Rosie
Tags: Metaphysical Auric Cleansing Healing Psychic Healing Emotional Healing
